The past few days, I have faced my ghost, the one that had told me I was ugly, easy, stupid, and forgettable-the source of all insecurity within. The thing that caused me tears every night for six months, and a few times a year since. I saw this ghost daily, and faced it smiling. Maybe I had been crazy in the first place like it said, for holding on way too long. But, maybe I wasn't the crazy one at all. Knowing it wants to become a person again to me should be the closure I begged God for, shouldn't it? But maybe i was holding onto the ghost that I had created in my mind rather than the true person. It didn't feel like the ending I wanted. Something inside me wanted to run, but another part said it wanted to win. It wanted to win this battle that raged between us silently. I wanted him to want me, then shut him down like what had been done to me, I wanted to prove I wasn't like the other girls.
Then, I walked outside. The night laid heavy upon the house, easing into every corner. My friends and I gathered here in this place, surrounded by shadows of trees. Each of us had problems that cluttered our heads, but they could wait, if only for this one night. We stopped, and breathed. We lay down on the grass, becoming part of the earth. A cloudy sky made way to stars made of fireflies, flickering all around us, lighting up the caves of our eyes. I held one, like holding a star, or one tiny insecurity. We were in space, floating through our stars and embarassments, and we let them go. Peace enveloped me as it began to rain.
Four of my five friends escaped to indoors, but one wonderful soul remained behind to share the scene with me. We talked of love, and college, and how we hoped love would change in college. She told me "You've got to be careful. You're beautiful, and you treat everyone like they're so special." I told her they all are. And she said, "I know, but Some people have never been told that." I hoped her words were true, that maybe I had changed one person's life along the way, and gave them what I couldn't have myself.
I've lived my life letting this boy lay the standards of who I was, and all I wanted was a chance to prove him wrong, show him I could define myself, when really, he was absolutely right. I was just like all the other girls, in that I didn't believe I was special, reguardless of the value I saw in every single other person. Instead of finding it in myself, I believed him when he told me I was replaceable, and mediocre, and lost myself in the process.
So this is me telling you, you're all special. No matter who has loved you, who has lost you, what you've done, what you think of yourself, what others think of you or tell you to be, you are special, colorful, a thousand times more beautiful than I can say.
Today, the ghost reformed. Another friend of mine told me she thought it was trying to make up for not treating me correctly in the past. She had heard a conversation between the ghost and a boy, the words spelling my value, that I was a good person, and unique, but
after living for so long in the darkness with only ghosts and empty, shaking hands, the sunshine was too alien to comprehend. My eyes are still adjusting. Don't lend yourself even a moment to the darkness, or it may consume you. Let the sunshine fold open, and run into it. It's summer. Freedom is okay here.
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